Friday, February 15, 2008

Singles V/s Sarcastic Society

"What are your plans for v-day?" "So what did you do on v-day?". These are the questions that most singles dread in the month of Feb. It’s not only the questions but also the way they are asked. Singles are made to feel they are leading a pathetic life. They make you feel you as if you are the most degraded species in the universe. Given a chance most singles would like to get invisible during Feb.

Normally when asked what i did on v-day i have a ready made answer.

"I couldnot celebrate as my ex eloped with my current gf". And i get delighted watching the confused expression on morons and shock on anybody who has a brain about the size of proton. If you have not understood what i mean by last line then you deserve to be single.

Being single is taken as a sign that you are worthless in the society. Ok. Agreed. I might be exaggerating things here but lot of people have misconceptions about singles.

"Your weekends must be quite boring."
" ...anyways you dont have anything to do on holidays.."

These are just the few comments that we hear quite often. And more often than not these words come in two different undertones. One of pity and the other sarcastic. One of my friend got so annoyed with this that he decided to stage a revolt. He collected all the singles he could find and went on to create a all singles club. One of the first rules of the club was

"we shall treat our fellow members of the club as our brothers and sisters"

No surprise then that club has just one member.

Its high time all the singles get united and lodge a PIL. No pub or restaurant should any more have "only couples" board. Its like "indians and dogs not allowed" tags of british. By the way no dog is ever single.

Lots of singles club fail for just one reason. Ek haddi hazar kutte. A single female is enough to bring down the singles club. And we can not even have all male singles club. Chances are those gay clubs in brazil will take over the club.

Damn it. We cant even form a club. Singles are really the most discriminated.

"Oh! you are single..." They say as if being single means you are walking example of mixing Cancer,TB,Aids,polio and god knows what disease.

Let me assure you that being single is not a sin. Its the sane decision and perfect one. That is until you find someone and then you can also use those sarcastic remarks against your unfortunate still single friends.

Being single saves you from so many troubles. You wont have to worry about your bike being taken away from those bank guys. Nor will you have to keep on changing your address for every new credit card.

Being single gives you the freedom to flirt with hell lot of girls. And also no need to switch off your cell when you and your friends plan for a all night boozing party secretly. You dont have to worry about being treated as a driver.

No more " Honey can you drop me to office today...". You are at peace with yourself when you are single. When you are with your GF you are at peace with her smile and at war with her shopping list.

Okay. All the good things about being single. Dont worry about people passing comments about you (you know they are right). They are just jealous about your golden days. Ignore them.

No matter how upset you are with being a single take consolation in believing you are lucky. Dont worry about facts.

And pray next time when i write about v-day i am on the other side of being single.

NOTE: I am dedicating this blog to a very good friend of mine who, in her own words, "instigated" me to write this blog.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Saare Zameen Par

There has been lot of talk going around about Tare Zameen Par. No not about the brilliant performance by various actors nor the script. Its about how it had made people moist eyed. Few days back i heard in Radio City that according to a survey 7 out of 10 people had their eyes wet watching Tare Zameen Par. Fortunately i am one of the three left. I have always beleived people doing survey were aliens. They throw up statistics and results on some absurd calculations.

Well i will expose their modus operandi some time again. Staying with Tare Zameen Par, rumour has it that Ekta Kapoor is planning to sue Amir Khan for making people cry. She beleives that she is the only one who has the right to do it and i sincerely support her. I actually dont support or spread rumours. Its just that sometimes i create them.

I am fed up of people asking me if i watched Tare Zameen Par and then that dreaded question that follows.

"Didnt you feel like crying? I almost broke down." and then the super emotional species stares at me, expecting me to answer in agreement. For him its obvious. For me its ridiculous. I get confused in that situation. I dont want to be seen as un-emotional stone hearted cruel guy nor do i want to lie.

"While watching i did not. But now whenever some one asks my eyes get moist." I answer diplomatically. The emotional fan is happy and walks off thinking i realised the emotional quotient in the movie late. I succeed.

Crying has become a national obsession and easy way to show you care. Mr Advani would not have got as much publicity riding on the rath, as accepting he cried during a premeier. And again the source is Tare Zameen Par. People shed tears for a brief moment and then forget.

All these people who talk about emotional appeal of the movie are missing something. I wonder why dont they show same feelings when encountered with similar cases in real world. Because in reel world they can shet two tears and forget but they seem to be too busy in real world.

I have seen so many people wasting food. The same people who take pride in being counted among the 7 tear-shedding-emotional-responsible citizens. When they waste food , dont they remember the skinny child begging at the signal? When a person in his prime age, almost near to death is lying on the road, the same people pass him with out a second look. All of these people talk about how child labour is affecting the country and are happy to yell " Chote do chai la...". No i dont mean you go out and raise the banners. No need for you to go an dharna and morch sprees. But just spare a moment and try to change your lifestyle so as to do wotever you can. Or do you need Mr Khan to direct a movie for that? Well even then i suppose most of us will just shed a tear, show our emotional side and forget. We are so perfect with that.


According to scientists there are only two states of mind. Conscious and Subconscious. But scientists have over the centuries failed to recognize the third state which is in existence since the days we fought for fruits on the trees. It has not been given a official scientific name but i like to call it Mixacious. This is the state of your mind when you have two pegs down your throat. Everything in this state of mind ( and body ) is extreme. You are either totally at peace with yourself or Angry about even the hair on your elbow. You are either totally frustrated or so hopeful that you bet your A__ on Bermuda winning against Australia.

There is one important factor in this sate which i suppose is more common. Its logical thinking. Well i am not sure if a person can really "think" in Mixacious state though. Once i overheard a conversation which went like this

A : Why are you suddenly so angry?

B (Who was listening to Radio city 91.1 Fm.) : These radio city people are illogical and utter nonsense.

A : What happened?

B (Downing his 7th Peg) : They say "Wake up with Vasanthi. Every morning..."

A : So. What’s wrong with it?

B : How will i wake up with Vasanthi when i sleep with my wife????

My sympathies with the poor fellow. Then there are people who get into never ending stories about their ex from the first peg till they pass out. I had one such experience with a guy who was heart broken recently. "You know what she did? She is such a Bi..." He would follow up this line with a silly story. At the end of it all he never told me what she did. Later another guy told me it had something to do with Raksha Bandhan.

People who use the four letter word in every sentence are also quite common. I am not talking about Shit. And if these people are with the kind who think logically then. Sample this.

A : My TL is F____g Smart. i tell you..

B (surprised) To C : It never occured to me you have to be smart to F___!

A : I have never seen such a big A__ ___e in my life... really..

B to C : How many A__ ___es has he seen you suppose?

c : I doubt if he has seen his own.

B : You mean you have seen your own???

C : F___ You!!

B : Wots wrong with you guys. Never mind. Pass me vodka...

"I am really in love this time. This is true love". Standard declaration by a kid who has found his ideal girl for the n'th time. "Enjoy guys. Bill is on me." He celebrates. Two weeks later you will find him at the same table with the same friends. And of course bill is again on him. But only this time its the mourning of his failed love.

Sometimes overcome by the emotions these kids try to contact their love interests. Some send SMS. Some try to call. Most often, friends just enjoy their drinks not bothering much. Once a guy sent a SMS to his love interest at 1 AM, which read like this

"i love u very much. you did not accept me. but still i love u so much. i am hurt. don’t know what to do. Going mad. cant leave with out you. love you. please. please. Aceept me"

And the reply from the girl was simple

"thanks for letting me know you even booze. One more reason why i cant accept you."

And going by the traditions the guy was back at his table next day evening.

Mixacious is the state when you let out your deepest fears. Talk about most memorable moments. Some of the most memorable moments are on the table (not literally). Being mixacious brings out a new person altogether. Its when you try to escape from the real and cruel world. You own the world. You make new promises. Never mind past promises are forgotten. You set new goals. Next morning you forget what was the goal about. You talk to your ex. Then get surprised by her current BFs call in the morning. You owe to kill your friend. Next morning you find yourself comfortably sleeping on his sofa. You talk about your new found love. "was it priya or preeti i was talking about?" You are not sure when your friends ask at breakfast.

List is endless. And so are the human emotions and his/her ways to escape the real world.

Its Money Honey!

Just mention "Money" and you can already see eyebrows raised. There is nothing more sweeter than the words Money,Wealth,Assests etc to hear. And in current social scenario only thing that matters is CTC. No matter what your profession is, we dont care. Just tell me your CTC and i will tell you what your life is. Anybody who says he/she is just working for job satisfaction and all those ideologies, is most welcome to visit alice in wonderland. Ok. Agreed. you work for job satisfaction. Fine. Why dont you give half of your CTC to some orphanage. Say yes and i will be at your doorstep with donor receipt.

I might have started with exaggarating things. To make it more clear let me put forth my observations. I assume there are 3 stages in every professionals life.

1. Get a job first. ( Thats the hardest thing.) When you get one dont worry about CTC. Aftertall once you gain experience you can always take that cute, innocent , bubbly girl out for dinner. Anyways till you get a good CTC you can just dream about it. Slog it out for your seniors.

2. Its play time now. The game is called hop and shop. You just go on a hopping spree from one company to another and meantime shopping and getting all those basic things in life. Whoever said a 4 wheeler is not basic need must have slept in stone age and woken up today morning.

3. You are tired now. So just relax and concentrate on your excel sheets. There are many poor chaps working under you. Pick up few targets and display your political side. Oh sorry. The money part. Just live your life on divedends of MF,ULIPS, Bonus and your salary. Dont try to manage them. You yourself would never know where your investments are and what is your wealth.

Anybody who has succeded in all three phases is lucky but the one who fails has failed to acheive what he had set out in the first place and uses job satisfaction, loyalty as excuses.

I have experienced it. I had never valued money and unfortunately it didnt me either. So its give and take. Value your money and it will give you value. The other day i was in a dilema weather to go for technology or CTC. Technology will change daily. So sticking to technology is like holding sand in your palm. It slips on but you need to fill it everytime. Whats wrong if i can get the CTC today , which i may or may not get staying with the technology after one year.

No no. I am not being money minded. I am just passing through the second phase. Fine topic has changed and i admit i have started to justify myself.

Few days back i had a breif conversation with a guy who had joined IBM 2 years back with a fake experience of another 2 years. So now his official experiene was 2 years. When i asked him if i he didnot feel guilty or ashamed of what he did the answer was straight and frank "Its money buddy. One risk of fake certificate and i and earning what a 4year slogger earns. I have just decreased my effort by 2 years and increased bargaining power. Simple. And yes. If i change the company and i need more CTC i will change my own payslip. And mind you. The more they pay, the more they make you work."

It did not shock me. I had seen moany people with fake exprerience but what really surprised me was his frankness. Lets admit it. Its just money. Make hay when sun is shining. And right now the sun is shining.

Finally i got the answer to the question that had been hauntin me since in stepped in bangalore. "What does that creep have which i dont have to deserve such a pretty girlfriend?"

Answer is simple. Its money that matters honey!!!!

Got the point!

She was stroking her silky brown hairs and animatedly talking to a guy sitting beside her. She had fair complexion and beautiful dark eyes. The guy had muscular body but lacked in complexion. I could figure out they were kids from well to do family. The girl was conscious of my interest.

"Stop staring, bhaiya", chotu said in low voice. To be frank people have always misunderstood my observing to be staring. I could never really understand the difference. I looked at chotu. She was busy with her coke.I could not stop myself from having another glance at the girl. She seemed to be ordering something. Looking at the face of waiter i knew she had ordered everything that was available in the restaurant. What surprised me was that the guy was smiling ear to ear. But i guess he was more than happy to display his power of paisa to the girl and exhibit his love by getting her anything she would like to. "You started again. I am telling you that’s not good manners".

Now how do i explain chotu that appreciating the beauty of nature with looks is in itself an art ( boys master this easily). How i wished i was alone. Meanwhile our biryani was served. We had ordered for "Mutton biryani with extra meat" thinking it would be enough for two, but unfortunately it could easily fill 4 hungry stomachs. We both looked at each other knowing very well that we had a huge task on our hands.

"Mera project khatam ho gaya hai. Agle monday se exams shuru ho rahe hain..". I dont know what she was rumbling. I was busy practising my art. The table was filled with kababs, tandoori and chicken drumsticks. These kids from well to do family might have been hungry for decades i thought. Before they could finish the snacks, mutton biryani was placed on their table. "Aapko kya lagtha hai muje kya karna chahiye?" " Bhaiya ". I looked at chotu puzzeled. God knows what she was talking about. "Jo tumhe acha lage" i said. Felt proud for that smart answer.

For next 20 minutes chotu made sure i never glanced at that girl. She kept on bowling questions at me. Some how i managed to give another shot at that gal. But by now they were gone. All the food was on the table. I thought might be some emergency has forced them to abandon their food and leave. I was disappointed. "Parcel the remaining". Chotu was ordering the waiter. We paid our bill and came out of the restaurant.

As i tried to take my bike off from the parking i could see the same couple enjoying ice creams at the apposite icecream parlour. Some thing deep inside hurt me.

All the way during my ride i was thinking about this incident. How could two young and so called empowered youth waste such a huge amount of food. Yes they have paisa power but they dont have the right to waste food like that. There was no question of food being not tasty. Everybody in the hotel seemed to love the food there. It was getting to my head and i could already feel myself bit frustrated. "Chotu lets take a break." I said and stopped at next dabba angadi. As i lighted my faithful white stick i saw the parcel in chotu’s hand. This gal was also from a well to do family. She could afford anything in life. But she knew the value of food. And as a matter of fact she is one of the most matured girl I have come across.

Friends, how many of us have wasted food like that. On how many occasions have we ignored the basic rule of "Dont waste food" from anceint time. We break that rule with ignorance and most of the times with arrogance. Its a request. Please give a thought.

Few days back i had been to one of my friends wedding. While having the usual dinner i had this idea. Wedding day is one of the most memorable days in each and every persons life. So why dont we make it more special for ourselves and other less fortunate souls.

Here is the idea. As most of you might be planing about your wedding please include the small task of inviting little kids from your nearest orphanage. At least 10. You dont have to do anything speacial. Just invite them for dinner. In return you will get blessings from the little angels.

The above story is part fiction. I apologize for that. I have been writing facts and i am not ashamed today to use fiction to raise a point.

Got the point???

I want to be different

Everybody cherishes their school and college days and i am no exception. But my life at school was battle to differ from other fellow students and its still on. Only fellow students have been replaced by the world. I have done lot of things to be different and to be in lime light. It’s a quest worth mentioning here.

I joined KV 1 Hubli, in 6th standard. Earlier was in bellary KV. My name is good enough to qualify for a tongue twister and none were able to pronounce it correctly. That was my first step to be different ( well not exactly my own doing ). I always felt happy seeing people suffer pronouncing my name. But it was short lived. My class teacher renamed me Raama and it was the end of my first attempt at being different. Later i realised it was good to have a short and sweet name to avoid people creating their own versions of your name and embarassing you.

I was fortunate enough to be one of Lords of Last Bench whole of my school and college life. But again i was different and odd man in the group. While all the Last bench Lords suffered after-exam and result-time syndrome i was immune. I was not the most brilliant student but i was not poor either. I was above average.

The actual quest for being in limelight started in 8th standard. Every Wednesday we had PT in the first period. I wanted to be the first guy in the line. I tried my best to be jeetendra but failed. I gave up and every wednesday i became part of the group that handled drums. It was a tough competition but i managed. I liked the idea of whole school performing to my beats. I had the power and control to change the course of PT or so i thought. It was a great feeling. Later it became routine and i was more interested in sitting under tree shade rather than perform under the sun. So the plan was simple. Me and my group developed fever every Wednesday.

I also had the chance to lead school prayers. I enjoyed it a lot. "Savdhan" and "Vishram" were two command often useds along with others but again i felt a high whenever whole school performed at my commands. One bad day already whole school was in vishram state i uttered vishram and girls started giggling. That was it. I never again wanted to face the whole school in prayers. But again going back to stand in line for prayers was out of question. I made my way into prayer group. Spent another few months standing behind the people who had best voice in school and could sing. I was neither of them but a bit of influence works.

When that became boring and routine i joined Technical team. Handling mikes and other equipments. Once again the bad luck sought me out and all the equipments went dead. Reason. I had messed up cables. I was back leading prayers. But not for long. One of my friend wanted to lead and i was more than happy to let him.

One fine day, my house master came to me and said i will have to conduct quiz that day as the chosen person did not turn out. I thought i had another opportunity to be in lime light. I accepted and regret it till today. It was terrible mistake on my part. Quiz was scientific and there waslot of scientific jargon. Instead of pronouncing i started spelling them. Two questions and quiz was cancelled by principal. Didn’t go on stage for another two weeks.

Well eventually i achieved what i wanted. I was part of a English drama "The cobbler" for annual day (it was by chance ), participated in singing competition ( that’s what I thought but my good friends told me it sounded more of a elocution ), represented school in zonal athletics (never mind that our group didnt go to field at all), did gymnastics for sports day ( i was one of the stronger guys in school ), Played cricket, kabbadi and kho-kho for my house ( my house never made it to finals in any of these ) , contributed to school magazine ( poem on moon ) and a lot.

I may not have always been in limelight and been important. I might have failed terribly or might have succeeded. But what mattered was I never gave up creating a different identity. People recognized me. People knew RAM. That’s what matters.

I am still working towards that small goal of mine. I want to be different. I want to create my own identity.

Life gives you bricks. Its you who has to decide what you want to do with them. Build wall around yourselves or build bridges for others to pass by.


Once in while i shower my crazy philosophies on my PG damager, sitting in the balcony enjoying cold night breeze. During one such routine discussion a few days back i was talking about selfishness. I was surprised by what i myself was talking but much later giving it a thought i was convinced i was not talking crap. Looking from more practical point of view, its universal.

Every human being is selfish. Its only that the degree of selfishness differs. I dont beleive in selfless freindship or love. Infact either in freindship or love there is more selfishness involved. Before you guys start accusing me of being irrational let me give you an example.

If a person x is good looking, charming,has a pleasent personality and has all the so called positive qualities we tend to like him/her. But how many guys fall for not so good looking girls and how many girls would care for guys like me. Its simple. I like you because you have something i am intrested in. Why i am intrested , its because i get pleasure from that or may be i feel good about it.

Look at it carefully. Its just 'I'. And when 'I' comes into picture everything gets selfish. Seldom do we talak about 'You'. Subconsiously we are worried about 'I' and nothing more important.

And then this talk about people trusting blindly and helping others and being great friends you can depend on. Why do we trust people? again the answer is selfishness. Because when we trust others we expect them to trust us. Why do we help them? We expect them to help us. I find selfishness even in hatred. I hate you because hating you gives me more comfort and assurance than loving you.

Ok. Fine. I am also selfish. Now dont start thinking that i am being stupid and exaggarating things. Accept it guys. We are selfish. My point of contention is there is nothing called as selfless. I tend to look at it this way. Small degree of selfishness is in my opinion self centeredness. And that does not harm anybody.

Selfishness is universal and one of the basic instincts. Why am i writing this musings and posting to you all knowing most of you get annoyed reading them? Simple. I am being selfish in the sense i want you to read them. May be i want to exhibit something.

Think and ponder over my views on selfishness without prejudice. I am sure you will agree with me.

Irony of life is we are selfish in showing others we are not selfish.

Questions gallore.

"Aa Re baith. Bahut busy hai kya. Aatha ich nai" Chachi welcomed me as i entered the house. It had been months i had visited. Ramzan was the last occasion. I called my friends mother chachi. She was a woman in her late 40s and very religious. I seldom missed ramzan at my friend’s house for the sheer love of shirkumba.

"Sajid nahi hai chachi" I enquired. "Nai re. pata nai ba tum bache logan kya kya karte rahte. koun ki aaya tha. 5 minute mein aatun bolku fazar gaya bhi lauta nahi. Chai le." She said handing me the cup of tea.

"Chapalan ke saath kya khelta re tu. muchku baith" She scolded sajids younger brother. He was very naughty and active kid. He seemed to have loads of energy which was always evident except while he was asleep. "Aur bata. Tera computeran ka buziness kaisa hai"

I told her it was going fine except few defaulters which had put me in trouble and in that connection i wanted to meet sajid. "Duniya buri hai. Zindagi mein ek ich baat ka khayal karna. Allah sab dekta. Bura karega bura hoga. tu nek aur saaf reh sab teek hoga. aur logan ka jaldi bharosa kar nakko." She adviced. I nodded in agreement. Principal of karma is universal truth. I heared from her what my dal always says. Life is like a boomerang. What you throw at others will get back to you.

I bid farewell,put on my shoes and started walking in the narrow lane. I could hear cries of that kid. I was sure chachi had taken deciplinary action on him. Sometimes over active children need such deciplinary action.

As i was walking through the lane i was thinking of what chachi had told earlier. "Don’t trust people easily." these words were echoing in my ears. I had read some where that TRUST is the basis of all relationships and without it relationships just RUST.

What makes us trust people? Their looks. Their personality. Their words. Their background. What is it? Looks can deceive. People normally pretend to be what they truly are not. Any person can acquire spoken skills. Good family background dosent mean they have all the characteristics of their ancestors. Then what? I have never been able to set the parameters to find out if a person is trustable or not. I cant do that. Everytime i try to do that i fail. I feel it has to do with circumstances. Each person reacts to situations differently.

Trait of trusting develops in the human being with time and experience. Again "TIME" and "EXPERIENCE" are two things that are common denominators for most of the human instincts. My friends and family say i trust all and sundry. But my experience has not given me a reason not to do so. Again when we say life is like a boomerang doesn’t it include even trust. Ror that matter all feelings. You hate somebody , you get hated. You love, you will be loved ( ok for all the one side lovers.. be happy at least you are not hated as well). You trust , and you will be trusted. People trust me. Coz i trust them.

There are numerous sayings from the elders which usually contradict. But believe me they all have some meaning. As i said earlier everything seems to be dependent on circumstances. In every circumstance you wil have to apply the correct rule. Knowing which rule to apply is knowing how to live happily. But we are most of the times confused. Each person creates his own rules and policies based on his/her personal experiences over a period of time.

I was so much immersed in these thoughts that i did not notice when i reached auto stand. "Vinobhanagar??" "20 rupai". I got into auto and headed towards my home. Did not i trust the driver to take me home safe. Did not he trust me to get fair deal for the ride?

Life is like that. There are somethings you should not just think about. The more you try to find answers the more questions you will be faced with. Be true to yourself and follow your instincts.

As chachi said. Everything else will be taken care of by the almighty. Again what makes us trust or believe in him? Never ending questions.

A True Story

I was waiting for narayan at bombay restaurant. Its a small hotel just opposite to Hubli railway station and had been our adda for years now. Earlier in the day narayan had called me up and wanted to meet me urgently. He sounded like a confused man. Narayan is one of those guys who is gifted with great thinking mind. He has the ability to analyse the situations and is usually calm. But today his voice suggested he had something that he was not able to cope with.

I was both eager and nervous. I really did not know what to expect. As i continued with my little white stick , i saw narayan crossing the road that divided bombay restaurant and railway station.He still had that expression of frustation on his face. At that moment i was worried. A feeling of concern was in my heart.

As he walked towards my table i said "Hi" but he did not respond. He just sat opposite to me and picked the little white stick from the box. He took a deep fag and left out the smoke. Then looked at me and said "God really is a bastard!". I was shocked.

"He always plays games. I dont know how to react. I dont know weather i should mourn the loss or be happy that this happened even before i got involved. I really dont understand what to do and what to feel" He continued. "What are you talking about. Tell me everything clearly. I am worried and now i dont understand what you are talking." I asked him.

"I did a shradd or whatever you call that today."

"Shradd of whome?"

"someone i never met. someone i never saw. someone i never knew"

"Are you kidding?"

"Do i sound so?" He thundered raising his voice. He was angry. I knew i had asked an inappropriate question but frankly what else could i say. He did shradd of someone he did not know.

"Seel. Tell me clearly. Who asked you to do the sharadd. And by the way who are you to do it. You tell me clearly or i am gone. I cant take it anymore." I too lost my cool. I am very short tempered and when my mind gets heated not many dare to disagree with me.

He suddenly seemed to be cooling down and his face was comming back to normal. "Ok. I want your help. I want to talk this out." He said calmly. My threat had worked.

"Pushpa met me today in college. As soon as she saw me she started crying."

"Whos is this pushpa. you never told me about her"

"she is my classmate. i myself had never spoken to her in last to years"

"Then why she was crying"

Narayan narrowed his eyebrows. "Are you doubting me?" He asked.
"No way. i was just cruious. go ahead"

"She showed me a dairy in which my name was written all over. When i enquired whos diary it was she said it was of her best friends. Her name is latha. I did shradd of latha"

"What. Just because your name was in her dairy you did sharad. Hey is latha no more" I knew my question was height of stupidity but then the situation itself was very much unusual.

"She died in an accident two weeks back while going to chennai. Pushpa informed me that latha loved me. She always used to talk about me. I dont know how to react. Somebody loved me and i didnot know that.To give peace to her soul pushpa wanted me to do sharadd."

"and you did. Dont feel there is something fishy. are you sure pushpa is not playing a cruel joke"

"God has played a cruel joke. not pushpa. i saw latha's photo and also spoke to her parents before i called you up today."

"I cant beleive that. I mean it seems so unrealistic. What next?"

"Even i dont want to beleive. but thats life. I dont know weather i should feel the loss of something that i never possesed."

"I think pushpa shouldnt have told you anything. Atleast it would have saved you from this frustration."

He nodded. He went silent for a while. I could see that expression slowly returning back on his face. I did not know what i had to say. We had finished our white sticks. I lighted another. He was still staring the water glass in his hand.

"Forget it. Atleast you are lucky that someone did love you so much. Maybe if pushpa had not told you , you would have never known that. Be happy that someone wanted to spend her whole life with you. you meant so much for her. Thats the feeling that will stay whole of your life."

I tried to cheer him up.

"And also the feeling of losing something." He said with a sigh.

He was now normal. His usual calmness returned back. I am not sure weather it was my sweet little talk or the releif on his part of sharing his frustration was the reason. But whatever life had to continue.

We sat there talking about usual things for a while and went home together. He was totally normal. As i bid good bye to him at the gate of his house i felt he would never forget latha.

Strange are the ways of god. I did not have anything to think about. I did not have the answer nor the question. As i walked towards my home i remembered "I dont know weather i should feel the loss of something that i never possesed." Most of the times we mourn something we never possesed. We desire for something thats not in our possession. And while doing this we forget what we have.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Stop Crying! Will you?

I looked at my watch to check the time. It was 9.50 am and i had left home at 8.35 am. I had survived more than one hour in the cruel traffic on Bangalore roads. Half the battle was over for the day except for one last hurdle. The traffic signal was still red. Once i cleared it i would be save again in my cubicle untill evening when other half of the battle would begin.

I knew this junction on koramangala 80frt road very well. I promptly switched off the bike engine. Dont think i was inspired by "Save Petrol" ads. The pinch of pocket to shell out more bucks for petrol as my bikes mileage is low is what forces me to save petrol. I was on the left most side of the road. Nothing to do except waiting for the green signal i looked around.

Nothing special. In the last three months i have always stopped at this signal in the morning and it has been quite same everyday. There is Hanuman Temple on the left side and just beside that is a open area where i guess there are two jhopadis belonging to the families who sell cement pots. One of the woman was washing the cloths near the walkway. She had a big bundle of cloths and the three buckets were spread on her right side. Two small girls were playing with the water in these buckets.

The smaller one suddenly took some mud in her hand started mixing it with the water. Elder girls saw this and raised alarm. At this the woman who was washing her clotehs gave hard glance at the small kid. That was enough for the kid. She stood there silently as if she did not know what was happening. Kids always have the advantage of ignorant looks. The woman went back to her job. Meanwhile the elder kid was giggling.

I looked at the signal again. It was still that dreaded red. I was staring at the signal and thinking about the tasks for the day when i heard a girl crying. It was that small girl. There was no bucket for her to play now. I guess the woman had used all the water for washing and taken the bucket for putting washed clothes in it. The woman seemed not to care about the cries of the kid. She went ahead with her task.

I was wondering how the kid was able to create a jingle in her cries. It seemed more of a song due to the periodic increase and decrease in the pitch, volume of her cry. The woman got irritated now and dragged the kid by her hand and raised her own hand as if to hit her. I thought for a moment she would beat up the young one. But no.
She just warned her. If she continued crying she would get beaten up so the only option for the little one was to stop her jingle.

Convinced the woman went ahead with her task. I dont think the little one had totally stopped crying. I could hear the honking. I instantly turned on the ignition key, started my bike and crossed the signal. I always feel a great level of satisfaction when i am crossing that signal.

As i parked my bike in the office premises i remembered the woman raising her hand.

My parents have done that with me in my childhood days. Some people say that you cant make a child stop crying by beating him/her. It will in contrast make them cry more.

I have a different view. I believe when a parent threatens his/her child to stop crying or face the wrath it represents the great philosophy of our ancestors. They indirectly say "Stop crying. If you cry nothing will happen. So better do something good and feel happy. The more you cry about, the more will life give you reasons to cry."

And now days even before the child gets prepared to get into the action, parent will shower them with all they can. We may think woman in villages are stone hearted to treat their children as harshly as the woman washing clothes was but then they teach their children something valuable. They teach them if they cry nobody cares. So better stop crying.

Life gives you more reasons to cry if you are crying, but gives you rewards if you stop crying and get along with life.

Hubli to Mumbai

"Introduction to ASP.Net - Professional Edition" read the front cover of the book. I was staring at it and thinking if i should really pack it in my already overflowing bag. "Dont waste time. Its already 5.45 and train starts at 6. Hurry up." That was my Mom. I could not really make out if she was shouting at me or advising. Parents usually leave you confused if you are grown up. Anywayz didn't have time to analyize. Throwed the book on the bed and hurriedly put on my shoes. Taking Mom's blessings i climbed down the stairs. Naresh was waiting for me on his enfield.

Train had already arrived. I searched for S2 compartment and rushed into it. In the crowd located seat number 9 and pushed my luggage under the lower berth. Was releived to be on the window seat. Meanwhile naresh was busy talking to his friends who had arrived to hubli on the same train. Now i knew why he so readily agreed to drop me. Few meters away from them there was a young couple. I instantly recognized they were bengali. Young lady was upset and her husband was consoling her. We could easily make out they were newly married. Naresh came up to me, said bye and gave me that 'Nothings free buddy' look. I took out a 500Rs note and handed it over to him. "Love you bhai. Take care and ...." i did not care to hear much.I already had the list he had given me earlier in the day. Train moved slowly and inside the compartment all very settling down.

Train reached Belgaum. I was wondering why synthia killed mr and mrs Ernsts. Afterall she was their only child. "vada paav, Vada Paav". "Sir bisi bisi grama garam vada paav". "Hath rupaay sir". I was more intrested in synthia than anything else at that point. Not even hunger. If atall i had to i could always rely on avalakki packed by mom. Nothing could have made me keep "Detective" aside.

But as is the custom i was wrong. Two ladies ( no not beautiful ) in their mid 40s stormed into the compartment. One was holding the reservation ticket and searching for their seats. They found the seats ( 12,13) and made themselves comfortable. I could sense rudeness in the air. I went back to synthia. But the loud voices of the ladies forced me to forget synthia for a while and see what was happening.
Apparanently the ladies had occupied the seats of a elderly couple whom i had not noticed earlier. ( i was falling in love with synthia and love is blind J ) There was confusion. The ladies were shouting at the Grands ( old couple ) for their lack of responsibility. The Grands were not ready to give up the seats claiming they had the right reservation slip. I offered to mediate. I checked both the slips. I knew what had happened. I went to the door and doing a stunt ( i love doing that on trains ) checked the reservation chart. The Grands were right. and the Ladies were too.

I came back and informed the ladies that their reservation has been upgraded and they were allocated berths in 2 tier AC coach. This was new scheme from railways. Being born in railway family and after spending 90 % of my life till now in railway house and trains i did have some knowledge of railway updations.

The ladies didnot beleive me and were still hurling abuses at the Grands. Few others joined me but to no effect. From the adjacent berth the bengali gal came up and tried to convince the ladies. May be thats the effect of Regionalism the ladies gave attention. The ladies were from Ahmedabad and come to belgaum to visit their daughters studying in Gogte college. ( I often visited belgaum. Only if the Bengali gal could make those ladies cough up few details. Was disappointed as usual).

We explained whole scheme to ladies (we should charge railways) and told them they can go to AC coach and relax. But the ladies were reluctant. They said "Abhi aap logon ka vishwas kaise karen. Wahan jane ke baad berth nahi mila tho. Apna tho paise waste jayega na. Hum kahan soyenge.". I was getting frustrated. And regretful i offered to mediate. My synthia was waiting. Meanwhile TC came and the case was taken to his court. He gave glance at the Grands, delcared seat belonged to them and rushed off. He was followed by people who didnot have reservation and wanted him to adjust some empty berths.

Even after the declaration by TC the ladies were reluctant. All started getting frustrated. I took the luggages of the Grands and asked them to follow me. They were shocked. I told them to trust me and said "Sahukarre.. nimge ac daga malgisthini.. banri.. yak bayi ketge madkonthiri..". The Grands were comfortable and while returning to my seat i sought out the TC and informed him that the parites involved in the litigation had exchanged berths. He didnt care.

By the time i returned back to my seat the ladies were beaming with smiles. They were happy at their victory. Finally i could go back to synthia. Before i could find out the reason the lights went off. Fellow passengers wanted to sleep. Cursing the ladies i went to sleep.

It was 7.30 when train reached Dadar. I woke up. Whole night i was thinking about synthia and felt bad for her. I also pitied her for what she had to undergo as a child. She was victim of child abuse by her father.

Hey did i tell you lights in toilet are not switched off in the trains??

Paapi Pet

"Paapi Pet". I always wondered why stomach is called "paapi". It must have surely been coined by someone who's stomach was not happy with him/her and stayed "upset" for days at most inappropriate times. I also had the privilege of having witnessed the power of pet when it gets paapi. Before your minds start processing let me assure you that i was fortunate enough to miss its wrath. J
I normally don’t eat at PG. Its not that food served is bad, every PG mate seems to relish the food, Its just that i like spicy food and Spicy items are banned in PG. But 5 years of eating outside has taken its toll. Now i really don’t find Chicken Kholapuri and zeera rice tasty anymore. Nor am i interested in trying out different cuisines.
One fine day i decided to give my taste buds a treat and take the risk of cooking. Well it surely was a risk. In IT field its a well known fact that Decision making and Design is easy but hard and painful part is implementation. After deciding that i will cook for myself i was looking at my options. What would i cook? Being lazy that i am i was not looking at complicated dishes. (Even mixing onions with zeera and roasting till they get brownish is also complicated for me. ) I remembered one particular favorite of mine which my mom used to prepare. I call it "Mirchi Tamato Spicy Chutney". What is it actually called? Will ask mom and let you know.
Well now i asked satish to clean up onions, green chillies, tamatos and slice them into small peices. Satish is our PG official assistant cook cum helper cum transporter cum laundry guy. He is perfect example of Jack of all trades Master of none. And yes did i tell you he is my pakka shishya?. After slicing the ingredients they had to be roasted in the oil for some time. I tried to light up the gas but failed. Lighting white sticks is lot easier than Gas Stove. How do gals manage it i wonder. Out of courtesy staish lighted the stove, placed that round shaped tool on it. Seriously by god i don’t know what it is called. Poured little oil and started roasting the ingredients. After a while i asked him to switch off the gas and load the Mixer with ingredients along with some salt and garlic. When we took out the ingredients it smelled great. Our experiment was in front of us. It was a shade of red and i instantly felt proud at my achievement.
Before i could indulge myself in my creation the cell phone rang. It always does in the most unexpected times. Aravind had come to Basaveshwaranagar and was waiting for me at Horizon. Captains orders so i had to go unwillingly. and Now i dont regret that.
At horizon we had a great time together and by the time i got back home it was 1 a.m. I remembered my creation and went straight into kitchen to check bt none was left. Feeling sad went to sleep with heavy heart. Next day morning by the time i woke up there was lot halla in the PG. Every body was asking how i manage to cook that chutney. I fell good and proud but their eyes were saying something else. I was confused and headed straight toward balcony with my white stick. Satish came to me and requested not to venture into kitchen territory again cause it was not worth it. I later learnt that all the poor souls who were depraved of spicy food for long had indulged bit heavily on my creation and on an average each guy had visited toilet at least 3 times in the morning.
I could not control myself from laughing. But surely i would have loved to taste it. Spicy is not problem for me. Infact each cell in my blood is spicy enough to kill 1000 enemies ( copied from some telugu movie).
"Paapi Pet". Yes when you indulge it more than it can take. After all isn’t life that way. It’s not fair nor is it unfair. Depends on how you make your rules. Fairness for you might seem unfair for others.
Visited home next week and came to know original recipe from mom. I didn’t dare to try it again.

Pray for me.

Whether to go for a while loop or use a recursive function. While loop could fix two bugs but again one bug would stand exposed. Recursive function would solve one but the other two were exposed.I was in a fix. While i was immersed in these bugs ( they really bite hard ) i did not notice that it was more than 30 mts the train had not moved. I was sitting at the window seat in Amravati express going from Hubli to Bellary and the train had halted at Hospet. Under normal circumstances it would not have halted for more than 5 mts.

Unmindful of the dealy i continued staring at my papers and was writing down iterations and values that were expected at each iteration. But could not concentrate and thought i would better get down and get a coffee to relax usually overworked brain cells. As i got down i saw a group of people standing near the entrance of another compartment and murmuring. There were few constables which made me curious. As i walked towards the crowd i could figure out a old man sleeping on the platform. He was well dressed. Pure white Dhoti and Khadi Shirt. He must be in 80s.Few feet from him was a beautiful old lady sitting. Her expression seemed to tell me that she was not sure what was going on.

I pushed myself through the crowd to have a closer look. Then i asked a dark fellow beside me what happend."Peedainki heart attack vacchindi. Seat lone poyadu." - "Oldman suffered heart attack. He passed away." I saw at that old lady. Guess he sensed what was on my mind and voluntarily told me that poor lady (of course beautiful) was not informed. There were no relatives with them. Old couples were travelling alone. Somebody from railways had already informed their eldest son.

I stood there for few minutes thinking of what might be going through that grand lady’s mind. I felt she wanted not to trust her mind. She knew what was going on. But her heart was refusing to believe and no body dared to tell her that. I heard a long whistle and knew it was time to leave. All the people hurried towards their compartments. I too entered mine and sat the most favored window seat. I could see the old lady crying, no body around them except few constables through the window. Unknowingly a prayer came out of my breath to give her strength enough to tackle the situation. I looked at my papers but could not concentrate.

Client was furious. I had promised him solution 2 days back. and now i was seated before him with out one. After some cajoling he agreed extend time for one more day. I came out of the office and called up a friend. I told him abt my experience with client and that elusive solution. After a while we said good luck to each other and disconnected. Before disconnecting he said "I will pray for u."
After a lot of struggle i could find the solution at 3 am. No i did not use while loop nor recursive function. I changed the whole logic from scratch. When I felt bit relaxed and lighted my faithful white stick. I remembered those words “I will pray for you."

I am not sure weather it was that prayer that helped me. But when we see our dear ones suffering and in trouble we say we will pray for them. why do we do that? In Hum Tumpe Marte hain at climax shakti says "We often believe we are traveling alone but we forget that wishes and prayers of our loved ones always follow us."

I realized that was true. I don’t lose anything by praying but of course I feel light that may be the almighty will listen to my prayers.

Life gets back to you.

As i stepped into the class, I could notice high activity. It was more than the usual. All the girls were sitting at one corner on benches and giggling. They always seemed silly and stupid to me. But today i felt they had completely lost their brains. At the last bench my Last Bench Lords community was also involved in similar activity. For a moment i thought the girls had used some magic spell on usually rough and aggressive Lords. A Day before i was absent from the school due to fever. And in a day Lords had forgotten their identity. I was feeling furious.

I walked to my seat and pushed my bag into the single desk. RAM was etched on the desk with my distinct style. Tools used were dividers. "Kal kya ho gaya the tuje?" Anirudh enquired. "Meri baat chod. Tum logon ko kya ho gaya hai. Ladkiyon ne kaat liya kya?". I shouted back. Suddenly Lords went silent. "I would really be thankful to god if he misses the trip". I am not sure which girl said that but now i could not control myself anymore. Before i could raise war cries something struck my mind. What was she talking about. A Trip. I never knew that.

The day i was absent class teacher had announced the trip and there were only 48 seats available from both A and B division. All the girls and guys had expectedly booked the seats to the full yesterday evening itself. Now to take revenge i had to be on that bus to banwasi. It was the question of pride after all.

He was busy correcting test books for previous month’s tests. "May i come in sir". Narayan said. Without looking at us he nodded. He was dark,well built person standing at 6.2. Mr.Shastry was our class teacher and also conducted biology classes. I and narayan approached him. Then hesitatingly i asked him "Sir, is there any chance of me getting into the list. I was absent yesterday and so did not know about it. i am really interested to join the people on tour." He looked at me and smiled. I bet he knew what my real interest was. He said "Not unless anybody gets ill or withdraw." With that he killed all my hopes.

Me, Narayan ( silent killer), Anirudh ( Lambu ), Shirish ( Motu ) and mansoor (Bansi) all formed the Lords of Last Bench group. There were others but not so important for the group. It was time for one of those secret LLB meetings. As always we bunked the prayers and stayed back in the class for the meeting. I was sad that i could not make it to trip. Meeting was to identify the girl who insulted me. "It must be S. I saw her saying something in B’s ears." Anirudh started. "It can’t be her." Shirish thundered. We knew anirudh had pressed wrong button. Before i could say anything to shirish, narayan suddenly announced "Raama is coming with us." I felt happy to hear that but all knew it was not possible. But narayan was one the best criminal minds ( that’s what we call thinking and analytical minds) we had. I got hopes. Usually he comes up with foolproof plans.

"Bata tere shaitani deemag mein kya plan hai." Mansoor was curious. "Did you hear what Shastry said. Somebody has to withdraw or get ill." There was that wicked smile on our faces. We knew what had to be done.

Planning is the easiest part but the implementation is the toughest. We started to identify possible targets. Out of 48 we zeroed on 2 who were soft targets. Suharsh and Vinay. Suharsh was skinny and short boy. So we thought he would not survive our attack. So Vinay was the chosen one.

Vinay was short and plump. He always wanted to be part of our group but he never had anything that could make him eligible to be in our group. We had just two days to execute our plan. Everybody was informed of their roles. For the next 4 periods i was dreaming of the trip.

In the lunch break, as soon as we finished our lunch, myself and narayan approached vinay who was still busy with his chapattis. "Tuje hum logon ne apne group mein shamil kar liya hai. Chal issi khushi mein coke peete hain." Narayan announced. Vinay could not contain his excitment. He closed his half finished lunch box and got up. I was already feeling the pain of guilt.

All three of us walked into the small ice cream parlour. Anirudh,mansoor and shirish were already there, arguing about what anirudh had said earlier in the day. According to the plan all three were supposed to have arranged everything. On the table were six coke bottles. One of the bottle had pink napkin below it. That was the one that was reserved for vinay. All of us sat comfortably in our seats. Just to make sure everything was alright i called mansoor aside and asked about the status. "Coke normal hai. Tablets tho narayan ke paas the. Isliye hum thumara intezar kar rahe the." I went through two kinds of feelings. One was of anger. Other was of being relived of the sin. But i badly wanted to be on the trip.

"Teek hai. Vinay ko kisi bahane saamne wale greetings store le chal aur 5 minute ke baad lautna." I instructed him. The poor guy had not even lifted his coke, mansoor dragged him towards the greetings store. (He actually did). In a hurry i asked narayan in sign language to mix tablets in the coke. He did. "Arre yaar. Pehle usse powder tho bana deta." Shirish shouted. In a hurry narayan had forgotten the basics. We just hoped the tablet melted before vinay could notice.

Vinay and Mansoor returned. Vinay was beaming with smile. I did not feel like looking at him. The more i looked at him the more guilt i had to face. Vinay started taking his coke. All of us were busy talking about how vinay had to behave being part of our group. Suddenly narayan grabbed coke from vinay. "Chalo chalte hain. Kumbar sir ka class hai." Vinay was shocked at his behaviour but not we. We knew another two to three sips and tablet would reveal itself. We didnt wanted that.

At the end of the day all of us were sitting at the school gate. I was sure our plan had failed. Vinay was fit and fine. No signs of stomach upset. "Kam se kam 10 goli dalni chahiye thi" Shirish felt.

I was already feeling upset and down. Not because i missed the trip, because of what we had done. I went to narayan's house in the evening. He too was feeling bad. A quick meeting on the phone and all of us decided we will inform vinay the truth and plead sorry. But it should be done in privacy as LLB's never felt sorry for others. That was the rule.

Next Day morning we bunked the prayers again. This time vinay was with us. He was happy that he was doing what LLB's were supposed to. But all of us knew it was not the case. Narayan was given the responsibility of explaining everything to vinay. And he did a good job. Vinay felt bad and was obviously hurt. In bargain for keeping this secret he was made lifetime member of LLB. (Lifetime = still we were in school).

Everybody was relieved that good sense had prevailed at the right time. At the end of the biology period, Mr.Shastry announced that i was on the trip as one of the guys from B section was ill and had withdrawn. That made me really happy. I could hear few girls murmuring. I hoped now even they would withdraw. It was not that i was a bad boy but don’t know i somehow hated few girls. The girls who were in good terms with me were happy for me. The girls i hated were mostly the ones for whom few guys had special feelings.

We had great time on the trip. While returning back LLB were sleeping in last seats whereas others were having fun with antakshri. Its not that we didn’t want to be part of the fun or we were tired. As destiny would have it , all of us were down with fever. Vinay included.

Since that incident I have believed in what my dad usually says. U get back what you give. Life is like a boomerang. Spread happiness and you will be happy. Try and hurt someone, life will hurt where it pains most.

B happy, Keep smiling. By the way anybody want to omit me for their trips??????


I was awakened by the ring of my cell. another reason i hate cell phones. The call was from home. i spoke for few minutes and disconnected and gave a glance accross the room. All the immortals had succumbed to the intimidating morning lazy breeze. Looking at them i wondered for how in the day will they be able to maintain such calmness on their usually grin faces. Some had to take their GF's for shopping and some had to prepare for their exams.

I searched for my small white and red life box (wills packet) took out a stick and ambled towards the door. There were few dew drops on the chair which i ignored (remember lazy breeze). I lighted my stick and then something caught my attention below the balcony. There was a old woman alighting from the auto with all sorts of leaves and vegetables (i am a pure non vegetarian so don’t know what those leaves are called).

Though i had seen her in action selling them numerous times, this was the first time i was observing her. She saw me and gave a smile. I took a long deep puff and smiled back. It always feels great to see smiles around in the morning. For another few minutes i puffed on with my stick while she was artistically placing all those leaves and vegetables.

Finishing my stick i turned towards main door but on the open space behind the tree there were so many leaves and vegetables thrown, left there prvious night. Then suddenly i realized that this woman hardly sells half of the stock she gets in the morning and usually throws the leftovers. I was wondering what makes that woman spend so much on them and invest when she has been suffering losses since two months. Immersed in these thoughts i did not notice my PG manager coming towards me with a cup of Tea in hand.

"She is wasting lots of money. if she cant sell them then why waste time. why cant she just stay home and look after her grand children." i casually remarked to the PG Damager ( yes for me he is damager. that’s another story). His reply put me in a state between amusement and disbelief.

This woman had lost her husband long back. She has 3 children and all well settled thanks to those leavegs (Leaves and Vegetables). There was a time she could hardly manage a meal in a day. But she somehow made a decision she would sell leavegs and borrowing 100Rs from a gentleman started her business. There was always some kind of rawness in her. You could feel that in the way she did business with her clients. these Levages enabled her ( or shall i say empowered ) to give it back on life. Today her eldest son owns a hotel in magadi , Second son has a factory, third one is into poultry business. all these was because the woman had enough strength and guts to take on life and its challenges. She can still stay home and lead a relaxed life but then she hates to do that. Its not the question of loss or profit for this lady. Its her way of staying close to her achievements and being proud. It’s her way of laughing at life. It reminds her of her inner strength.

I was looking at her with respect and adoration filled eyes. "Samy ivathu carrot illa. Nale baruthe." She informed me. She had always given me carrots for free and I used feel elated that she gave me enough respect ( and didn’t charge me at all ) . Now I felt I didn’t deserve that, at least not from her. She had 100 times more strength than me. She deserved lot of respect. She deserved happiness. She deserved her share of Pride. Because she had managed to come out of life’s test triumphant. She deserved it all.

I went back and could not sleep for a while. Something had changed my attitude. while i was immersed in these thoughts i got a call again from home. Life continues.

Strange. Life is different and each person in this world is fighting his own battle. If only we spare few minutes and look at others we may know what it takes to win this war. I had read somewhere “God knows your strengths so he gives u troubles u can conquer". So is troubeless and tension less life worth??? That’s a question for another day. Time for another stick.


He was staring at the huge rectangular glow sign board above the gate. "Head Post Office, Solapur" was flashing in white with red back ground. He knew in another couple of hours the lightings would go off but he was not sure weather his goal would be accomplished. After all Mr.Asthagi didn’t sound very convincing on the phone. Nevertheless the need was immediate and he had no choice as he started on this journey previous night. Throughout the journey he could hardly sleep. And the famed red bus and much feared roads didn’t help him either. But now he was just couple of hours away from his goal and once Mr Asthagi handed did his payment he would be returning back.

"but what if he dosent do the payment.. " "What if he does only partial payment...”

This was not the first time these thoughts occurred to him. They haunted him throughout the journey. But he had a gut feeling that his purpose of the journey would be served. He had lot of things back home to worry about. If mohan succeeded in doing his part of the task everything would fall in place.

"But what if he fails...”

These thoughts were haunting him. He shivered. The chilled morning breeze was blowing. He checked his watch. It was 4.45 am. Another 2 hours and 15 minutes to go. He put his right hand inside top pocket and took out a white little box. He picked a stick from it and placed between his lips. He then remembered he had thrown the empty match box long back. He looked around and saw a small "Gaadi wala Dukan" at the other end of the road. He started walking towards it hoping to find some tea as well to help him cope with the morning breeze.

"Have you tried all the contact?" Raj asked.

"Yes. No use. None of them will help you out. I had been telling you not to entertain such idiots...." Mohan frowned

"Dont start it again. If they dont let them not. I can solve my problems. And if you are not with me i dont have any issues..." Raj replied.

"But.." Mohan tired to interrupt.

"...Nothing is impossible for me and i will come out of this. No matter what." Raj continued.

There was a silence in the room. Raj was looking out of the window. Mohan was sitting in the chair his head covered between two hands and his elbows on the table.

"When they want it?" Raj enquired.

"By evening of wednesday." Mohan said while relaxing back into his chair.

"Ok. Tell them it would be done."

"But how can we. Today is Monday and tomorrow is ganesh chaturthi and everyone will be on holiday." Mohan protested.

Raj now turned back, walked lazily towards his chair and sat in front of Mohan.

"Its difficult Raj. Anyways cant we take some more time. Meanwhile lets get the people from Bangalore to pay up for their bounced cheque."

"I dont think i want to take more time. I have always honored my words. Lets not waste time running behind Bangalore people. I have already tried and all their cells are not reachable. I doubt they have closed out. You can never really trust small MLM companies."

"You should have been careful in dealing with them. I always tell you..." Mohan stopped. He knew it was not the time to argue and in this situation arguing with Raj would make him nothing less than a beast.

"Forget it now. We wont get a single pie from them. But at the same time we cant dishonor our commitment. I will do something." Raj said with his eyes still closed.

"Do we really have to take such stress and pressure on ourselves? Come on raj. We very well know they will give you more time if you talk to them. Why dont you just do that. Its not possible always to maintain commitments and its not advisable. Why for gods sake you put yourselves and others under such stress. You are not god."

Raj opened his eyes and saw a expression of frustration and disgust on mohan's face.

"I am not god. But i always try to do what i can. And you know i don’t give it up easily." Raj said with a voice of authority.

"And if you feel stressed out you can leave. You can also go and start preparations for ganesh chathurthi. As I said. I can handle this." He was now leaning on to the table and staring straight into mohan's eyes.

Mohan could not take this. He rose and walked out. As he neared the door he stopped and turned around. "I am going to belgaum tomorrow morning. Will be back by afternoon. I had contacted Aishwarya Marketing as you said and they have called me tomorrow. But still i dont have any hopes."

"Thanks. I have hopes. I knew it would work." Raj said with a smile on his face.

"But still it would be half. The other half is upto you. I dont want to ask or advise you what to do. But once i finish my task from belgaum dont expect me to back you again." Mohan said and walked out slamming the door.

Raj knew Mohan very well. He was the only one he could count on at any given point of time. If everything goes according to plan his commitment would be honoured and again he would come triumph against his fight with life. How many times did circumstances challenge his ability to manage things. He had lost count. And people never understood why he wanted things done so immediately sometimes. Neither his parents nor his friends. Mohan was no exception.

Sound of the approaching train at the station near by brought back raj from his thoughts. He was holding empty tea glass in his hand. He checked his watch. It was 5.20 am. Suddenly the deserted road started filling up with people coming out of the station.

"Ek chai aur dena bhai mere..." He raised his empty glass and gestured at the tea wallah.

He thought of calling Mr.Asthagi and letting him know he was waiting. But hesitated. It was early morning and Mr.Asthagi would still be sleeping. He thought its better not to annoy Asthagi. Anyways he had promised to meet him at 7. Within minutes the road was empty again.


8 empty Tea glasses lay beside him on the bench. The sun was bright and once deserted road was full of people and vehicles zooming by. Raj was getting impatient and frustrated. He checked his watch again. 8.45 am. There was no sign of Mr Asthagi yet.

"I dont care if hes sleeping. He had promised 7 am and its already 8.45." he thought to himself and took out his cell. Meanwhile his cell came to life and "Rehna hai tere dile mein.." tune started off. It was mohan.

"Mohan! tell me. whats the news."

"I am leaving now. I just called up to know whats on your side. Did you get the payment?" Mohan enquired.

"No. I havent met him yet." Raj replied.

"I knew he would not turn up. You dont have his address as well. and today being holiday post office will be closed. what now?" Mohan sounded worried.

Raj was irritated, But it was a fact. All he had was Asthagi's cell number and nothing much. and he had forgotten that today was ganesh chaturthi. Not knowing what to say he replied

"I am sure he will come up. I will ring him now."

"What? You mean you haven’t called him till now? What have you been doing since 4. Dozed off??" Mohan was furious now.

"I thought not to disturb him." Raj said controlling his own anger.

"You are just impossible. You make us all stress it out here and now you don’t want disturb some ABC. I will never understand you." Mohan sounded very indifferent.

"Anyways i will call him up now. You finsish the task i have given you. As i said. I will be back with payment by evening. You need not worry." Raj raised his voice.

"You are not god."

"I amy not be. But i can handle it." Raj cut the cell.

Raj was furious, frustrated and irritated. He tookout the visiting card of Mr.Asthagi and dialed the number.

"Network busy!" Showed his cell.

He tried again.

"The subscriber you are trying to call is not reachable at the moment. Please try again after some time." The gentle female voice informed him.

"May be the signal is weak." He thought and tried again.

No matter how many times he tried the result was same.

For the first time in 4 years of handling tight situations and managing resources he was panicked. "May be this time destiny had different results. May be i will fail."

Raj's head was aching. He took out the little white box from his pocket. It was empty. He threw it away in frustration. He sat on the bench with his hands on his head.

My Mad Musings : Commitment – Part II

He had to act fast. Raj was not prepared for these sudden turn of events. He was feeling helpless. He could only hope everything goes fine at belgaum and some how Asthagi turns up to meet him. He checked his watch again. It was 10 am now. Then suddenly he remembered sonu. Sonu was sister in law of Asthagi and it was her who introduced Raj to Asthagi when Asthagi wanted a new software for management of accounts at post office. He made a call to sonu.

"Hi sonu.. Raj here.."

"Happy Ganesh chaturthi.." sonu interupted him before he could continue.

"hmm.. well not so happy ganesh chaturthi.. i need a favour.. i want Mr Asthagi's address.. i am in solapur now.."Raj said

"What are you doing in solapur. Thought you were in hubli."

"Will explain you later. i dont have much time. can you give me his address?"

"well ok. write it down."


As raj looked at the peice of paper in his had he felt elevated. Now he could reach Asthagi and he would be back soon.

"I am not god. But i can handle this." He said to himself.

He hired a auto, and handed over the address to driver. Driver considered it for a moment and said

"50 rupayee lagenge sir"



House was well built. The doors were well decorated. It was obvious that Asthagi and family were celebrating ganesh chathurthi with full fervor. He knocked the door and in few seconds it was answered by a young fair looking lady who was beaming with smile. He could hear laughter behind her. May be somebody had just finished a joke. He thought of his home. Everybody was celebrating the festival and he was wandering from place to place.

"Is Mr.Asthagi available. I am Raj from Hubli." Raj said.

"Oh. he is. Please come in." The lady welcomed him and rushed into a room near by.

As raj walked into the living room area he noticed small ganesh staute positioned on the right side wall of the room. By now even in his house ganesha would have been decorated and most probably magal pooje would have been taking place. He checked his watch. 10.45 am.

Meanwhile Asthagi walked into the room and welcomed Raj. After exchaning ganesh chaturthi wishes both of them took seat at nearby sofa.

"Mr.Asthagi. I had called you yesterday and was waiting for you since morning at head post office. As mentioned over the phone the need is urgent and i have to move today itself. I tried your cell but its not reachable." Raj started.

"Actually my cell got spoiled. my kid was playing with it yesterday..."

"But you had promised me you will meet me today. anyways so if you can do the payment i will move. i am sure you understand my emergency." Raj said knowing he sounded bit harsh. But he had lot of things to worry about.

"Well i am sorry for that. Raj i will be able to just do half payment. You know because of these festivities i wasnt able to arrange the whole amount." Asthagi replied.

Raj was furious but did not expresess anything. Controlling his feelings he said "Fine. Not a problem. Remaining i assume you would pay by next week."

"I will try." Asthagi promised.


On his way back to Raj was thinking about the reamining half he had to adjust. He was expecting Asthagi and Belgaum clients to make full payment and they were his only hopes in the current situation. He was running out of time. He checked his watch. 11.25 am.

While he was pondering over his next step, his cell buzzed again. It was mohan.

"Yes mohan. What happened?" Raj was curios.

"I had told you..."

"Now dont start it for gods sake. Just give me the result." Raj shouted back.

"Right then. Half payment done. What next?"

Raj didnt have the answer. He needed some time to think. "Call you back. Dont leave belgaum yet." That was all he could say.

Raj was thinking fast. "What next?" seemed to be a big question, answer for which was hard to get.

At the solapur bus stand Raj saw a bus that was leaving to Sangli. Suddenly something flashed in his mind. "Golden Business Club" He uttered. He immediately dialled mohan and asked his to proceed to sangli.

"But have you spoken to them? Without talking to them i dont want to go. Better i get back to hubli and try something there." Mohan protested.

Raj was sure something would be done at sangli. "I will talk to them. You catch the next bus and be in sangli by evening." Raj said.

"Whatever. For the final time anyways." Mohan scrowled and cut off.

Raj was thinking hard. "What next? What about another half?" He was repeating to himself. He absent mindedly boarded bijapur bus. As he made himself comfortable in the corner seat he remembered something. He hurriedly got off the bijapur bus and ran towards other side of the bus stand. He saw Raichur bus leaving , chased it and finally boarded it. Inside the bus he made a call Jagdeesh.

He was again greeted with "Happy ganesh chathurthi."

"Forget it jagdeesh. You know you owe me a lot and you accept it right." Raj sounded arrogant.

"Yes ofcourse Raj, whatever i am its cause of you. What can i do for you. Just tell me." Jagdeesh was perturbed by Raj's sudden attitude but somehow managed to suppress his shock.

"I am already in the bus comming to raichur. Meanwhile i dont bother what you do. But i need 28 thousands to be ready. Can you do it?"

"28 Thousands. I mean its not possible in 7 hours Raj. Hope you understand." Jagdeesh couldnot suppress his shock anymore.

"Its possible dear. And you know me very well. If you can not do it you know what next. And i suppose you dont want that. Right?"

"are you threatening me? What has happened to you?"

"Yes i am threatening. I cant dishonour my commitment and for that i can do anything. Well if not possible by you be clear. Mohan is in sangli and he can always take a bus to raichur and not to mention Aravind,Ganesh were searching for you in hubli. I have their numbers."

"I will try my best. But really dont expect it to be ready by the time you land here. I need some time."

"You have 7 hours and i guess thats a lot of time considering that now you have started your own MLM and being ganesh chathurthi you have enough forms filled up. Happy ganesh chathurthi."

Raj cut off the cell convinced. He knew jagdeesh can not afford to let mohan,aravind and ganesh know he was in raichur. Raj had always supported jagdeesh and now he knew why. Raj had developed and maintained contacts with all and sundry and this was the time he would use it. Raj felt proud of his long sightedness.

My Mad Musings: Commitment III

As raj alighted from the bus, he saw jagdeesh standing near the bakery at the other end of the platform. It seemed as if he had been waiting there since long time. His expressions were mix of anxiety,shock and fear. Raj checked his watch. It was 7 pm.

Raj and Jagdeesh were seated on a table facing each other. The bar was dimly lit.

"What for you?" Jagdeesh asked Ram meanwhile making a hand gesture to call the waiter.

"Nothing. I have to move. What time is the bus to hubli?" Raj was stonefaced.

"Its at 9. You will be in Hubli by 5 in the morning. I still dont understand why you need money so urgently. Anyways i have done my part. "

Meanwhile waiter had approached the table. "Peg bottle XXX Rum and Coke" Jagdeesh placed the order.

Both of them finished their dinner and headed back to bus stand. Raj went and occupied a window seat and jagdeesh was standing outside.

"So now i am safe. Right?" Jagdeesh asked Raj. Raj's threat was still in his mind and Raj now wondered weather that was the reason why Jagdeesh gulped more than Two Quarters starting from peg bottle.

"Well, for now. Who has seen the future. But you are free from my side. I have released you from my debts." Raj assured him and before jagdeesh could express his gratitude bus was on move. As the cold night breeae crossed his face he thought of his last 24 hours. They had been dramatic enough. He was sure all the way the his commitment wouldn’t fail but somehow every time circumstances had challenged his belief. He smiled. He was about to win his war again. Again he was set to prove he can do anything. Enjoying his success he closed his eyes and was instantly lost in dreams.


As Raj and Mohan climbed the stairs, there was something that was bothering Raj. He seemed not sure. Mohan had thought of asking him during the ride but hesitated. Mohan failed to understand why Raj was still not happy even after achieving their goal. He seemed to be stressed still. On the second floor they walked into a office and were immediately greeted by the receptionist. She recognized Raj and said "Mr.Ali is waiting for you. Please go in."

Ali welcomed both of them and asked them to be seated.

After initial greetings and bit of casual talk Ali popped up the question. "So Raj. Have you bought the payment. You are known for your punctuality and commitments. Hope you live upto it." He let out a smile.

"Sorry Ali. I am not doing payment. But i have something else to offer." Raj said ignoring the shock on Mohan's face. He wanted to scream, shout and question Raj why he lied but controlled himself.

"Well Raj i didnt expect this. I thought you would.. anyways if have other plans then it must be better i believe. So whats that you offer me."

"I heared you are starting new business and i am sure you require a software for that"

"No i am not doing any new business. Why should i. I am fine with what is going on."

Raj relaxed himself on the chair and seemed calm compared to the Ali was now nervous. Raj knew very well that this sort of denial was first step at hiding the truth. He had enough experience in tackling these sort of people. Ali's expressions made Raj more confident and sure about his plan.

"Gouse from gangavati had called me few days back. It seems you are not dealing with their company anymore. Also Sanjay from belgaum They say you are not providing enough forms to White pearl. And i dont think you will be associated with Apna parivar of davengere."

All these companies were clients of Raj. He had provided software for them and the deal was arranged by Ali. And after nearly 8 months Ali had demanded his percentage eventhough nothing of this sort was discussed earlier. Raj was not surprised when Ali askd for commission. He was sure Ali would someday ask for a favour or something else. When raj was under financial loss and faced instability Ali had asked Raj. The timing could not have been worse. But Raj had to keep his commitment.

While returning back from raichur it suddenly struck him that why was ali wanted his commision now. Only few days back he had stopped giving business to all these three companies as reported to him by his other contacts. It was also rumoured that ali was touring coimbatore and chennai with a group of people well known in the MLM business circle as biggest company hoopers. Ali had recently opened the office. The he knew why ali was so much intrested in Raj's commission suddenly.

It was quite clear. If raj failed to give payment Ali would ask Raj to supply him with the address and contact number of all the distributors of these three companies. If Raj did the payment then ali would not be able to ask any favour from Raj again in the future. And worst part was Raj would come in the loop and may lose his clients for being associated with Ali. Ali could have highlighted that Raj was also involved in the business. This might have enhanced Ali's own profile by well known honesty of Raj. Thats the reason why Ali had been demanding payment so urgently. Raj had to think of outdoing Ali. And he madeup a plan. Now expressions on Ali's face proved he was on right track.

"I also heard that you are partnering Srinivasan from coimbatore . So i have a deal. You know how much i demand for the software. I will give software for free to you and would also offer free service for next 3 months. Your share of the previous deals is worth the software. How about that?"

Ali knew he was cornered. He didnot have any choice. He knew he had to take software from Raj. Infact he had assured to his prospective distributors that Raj was supplying the software. The kind of business these people were involved was totally dependent on proper functioning of the software. A single mistake could lead to a great financial loss and at the same time they needed enough flexibility to change the commision structure and downline trees as and when they whished without causing others to know. And Raj's software was the most trusted one.

"Hmmm... Nice offer. I didnt think about it." Both of them knew ali was lying. "Anyways i need the software. I will let you know when srinivasan is back."

"Fine then. Give me a call when its decided. I am going to dharwad. So have to leave now." Raj stood up.

"Sure. Dont tell about this to anybody. Ok." Ali was worried.

"You have my word." Raj said. Raj and mohan got out of the office. There the receptionist was busy with her computer. Raj smiled at her and just said "Thanks. I owe you this."

She just smiled back. Mohan who was looking at all this was very much confused. How could Raj make them run around to arrange money and then lie. Why he was thanking the receptionist. He looked at Raj and said. "I can never understand you."

"Dont try. Because i can not myself." Raj said handing over the broucher of Ali's new company to him.


Raj and mohan were back at their office. Mohan had been questioning Raj through out the journey.

"Fine. I will explain to you. By agreeing to take my software Ali is trapped. I am giving him free service for three months. And any MLM business is at its peak for only 6 months from its inception. By giving free service i make sure the data of its distributors is in my hand. He will not be able to demand favour from us again in the future. If i had done payment he might have still used my software but would have told all the people that i was partner in the company. Thats bad for us. We have never been involved with our clients business and this MLM is dirty work. I would have lost credibility. It pays to be out of it and watch the game." Raj explained to Mohan.

"He can do that even now."

"No he cant. We have not paid him and there is no way he can say we are part of if. Because if i give him payment i wont give him software. Which will mean his distributors will doubt his integrity."

"What if he takes our software and then claims we are his partners."

"Yeah. He may do that. But the moment we know he is doing that our software will stop working. And then he will have to answer his distributors. People will question him why i have not supplied them software eventhough i am their partner"

"If he says you are out of the company due to some reason.?"

"He cant do even that. If i am out then people will obviously ask why i am out. and then I would have got ali cornered. So."

"But giving software for free what do we get?"

"Control over ali's business. Simple. And i am giving it for free. He will surely like it. And i know he is telling everybody that he is getting software from me and i am doing it with lot more features as i am ali's very good friend." Raj was laughing.

"But then how do you plan all this. Who gave you the information he was planning new company."

"I have seen him talking to srinivas lot of times. I checked his data on all the three companies and he has litreally stopped giving them business. First i thought he was going out of this business and may be concentrating on his original family business. Then Rajshri called me to ask about the payment today morning. I casually asked whats the purpose of new office and she told me about Ali's new business plan with srinivasan."

"Who is this Rajashri?... wait that receptionist??" Mohan was excited now.


"You somehow manage things. From where the hell do you come out with things like this. You seem to be destiny's child. But again be careful Raj. Everyday is not sunday."

"But Mohan, You know what. You say i am not god. Today i declare i am God. Aham Brahmasmi. God unto myself"

"I feel like killing myself.. i am so upset..."

"I feel like killing myself.. i am so upset..." One of my friend declared. "I know lot of ways to commit suicide. Want me to help you with few ideas?" I asked him. He was surprised.

Well guys then what did he expect me to do. He wants to kill himself and i wanted to help him. I know you have started thinking i am emotionally as cold as the ice on top of Everest. But frankly speaking i cant stand a pessimist and hate pessimism.

Agreed the guy is going through lot of troubles ( failed relationship, unhealthy working atmoshpere, small company and smaller pay etc ) but when a person is in mid twenties and talks about suicide, he/she is a loser. 20+ years of life is not something that you can ignore so easily. Ever since we are born we are entangled in never ending expectations. Parents,Sibling,Friends,relatives and society at large expect something from you. Few we are able to achieve. But then we fail at many.

After 20+ years of living, if we fail to learn that failures are part of life, then we don’t deserve to live further. Life is all about moving on. How many times have we come across great thinkers and speakers talking about this and still forget this basic rule of life. Another mistake most of us do is to live in past. Well, if you could only change the past, then there would not be any meaning to life. Your past is the foundation for your present. You are what you are because of your past. Keep crying about your failures and become a loser. Accept the past, smile at it, and build the future.

Everyone of us is chasing dreams and ambitions. Sometimes we have to let few dreams crumble. But the shattered dreams should never shatter your strength. It should in fact increase your determination to chase few more. I know people who work for years to achieve something and when they dont they get depressed and talk non sense. I dont understand why should we get depressed after struggling for such a long time. Be hapy you had enough strength and determination to pursue. How many around you even dare to dream.

Confidence and optimism is what makes life worth living and its challenges worth accepting. Hope and faith go hand in hand. They are cousins. Never abandon hope and faith. Faith can move mountains. I am not sure as i have not tried it. But faith can certainly help you cope with lot of things in life. Faith increases your optimism and optimism in turn enhances your attitude.

Ok. "Nice talk. But be practical." I can read your minds. Being practical in life doesn’t mean lose hopes. Being practical doesn’t mean you stop thinking positive. And being practical certainly doesn’t mean you can end your life by killing yourself when faced with troubles. I had read long back that god gives us troubles if he believes we have enough strength to face them. When he trusts you, why cant you trust your own strength. This has made me accept troubles with smile because i know when i come out of them i will be rewarded with more strength and more optimism.

Everybody who knows me, certainly knows the kind of situations i have been through. If not all, every one of you is aware of one or the other troublesome period of my life. Everybody has a black phase as we call it in thier phase. For some it may be short, for some it may be long. After lot of inner debate and innumerable pegs and white sticks i have framed few rules for myself. And these have kept me from getting admitted in NIMHANS. I would like to share them as a friend. May be you will find some sense in them and who knows when you may need it.

1. Life is to Move on. Make your past foundation for your future.
2. Be Positive (Not HIV positive) and have faith.
3. Time is a great healer. Given time all things get even. (Not your credits BTW).
4. Flirt with life.
5. Accept that life will not be same tomorrow. If will change.

And most importantly live. Don’t just waste the time talking about past, regretting failures, planning future. Live the moment.

Finally a small story about a pastor who live in North America. When people visited him for guidance about the troubles or tough times they were going through, he would hand him over two white sheets. In one he would ask them to list top 5 things troubling him and in another top 5 things that were fine and he was contended with. Then he would take the one where troubles were listed and drop it in a small box above the altar. The other paper would be handed over back to the person and asked him to safe guard it. “Your troubles will be taken care by almighty. You take care and just enjoy the good things. Leave bad things for him to sort out.” He would say at the end of the meeting. The meaning is simple. When you are faced with bad times, think about good times. All your troubles will be taken care by god. Just have patience and trust in your destiny.

Better Bangalore

Last Friday while returning back from office i was immersed in FM radio as usual. I heard a commercial which asked bangaloreans to come up with suggestions to improve Bangalore. I have taken it as a personal challenge as a responsible citizen that i am, i spent my weekend contemplating and here I am with few suggestions.

1. Provide all bangloreans with life jackets. Funds for this can be routed from all the expenditure that the BMP wastes on up keeping drainages. No matter what the BMP does, there will always be water logging. Life jackets will enable the citizens swim across to their homes/office with out getting drowned. Infact this kind of water sports can be made a tourist attraction.

2. Remove the time limits for all pubs, bars and discos so that citizens are not forced to get on the roads drunken by 11.30. By allowing the party to last whole night there wont be many reckless drunken driving cases nor any accidents.

3. Declare all walkways as parking lots. This will put an end to parking problems. Anyways not many use walkways. People are happy using the roads and performing stunts to cross them. Bangaloreans are courageous.

4. Invite Blue Lines to run buses in Bangalore. It has dual advantage. Will reduce population as well as decongest the roads.

5. Another way to decongest the roads is to remove all one ways and speed restrictions. Let people drive into one another and kill themselves. Adventure loving people can enroll with auto wallahas and cab drivers.

6. If any political party wants to hold a rally or strike, pack them in a bus and send to Bannerghata Park. And just pray all the elephants get adventurous and decide to have marathon.

This is my six point agenda. And let me tell you these are patented suggestions. Don’t try to copy.

Why Aham Brahmasmi?

Arrogant. Height of stupidity. Absolutely crazy. Idiotic utterings. Well these are just few reactions of people whenever i say i feel like god and thats the reason my favourite quote is Aham Brahmasmi. I am not a kind of person who has ever felt like explaining anything to anybody. One of my philosphies is not to regret anything. Nevertheless i today i am presenting my thoughts on this subject.

I have always been awed by life. I have always tried to find answers for questions which people ignore as meaning less. I am in Love. I am in love with life. Its mysteries. Its really fascinating that we dream and hope for the future knowing very well it is not garunteed. Being a true saggitarian and optimist to the fault, i dont find anything wrong with it. I am infact myself a daydreamer. And few things that life has taught me in my 4 years of struggle i am presenting here as a build to my philosophy behind Aham Brahmasmi.

Nobody wants to be remembered as a non acheiver. Certainly not in the competetive and ever racing world we are living in. But is materialistc acheivement the end of the road. In pursuit of our happyness we are getting insesitive to others. We no more care the action or its reaction. We are getting selfish day by day. Then one fine day when a person more ruthless than us beats us and gets ahead in race we complain of declining morality. We talk of thics. And here comes the basic principle of life. You get what you give. Life usually has its own strange ways of getting back to us. So what we want from life is our choice.

Trust. An essential part of life and any kind of relationship. I have never had problems in trusting people. But i learnt trusting the circumstances and the decision of whatever you call it god/super natural/supreme soul after lot of not so good experiences. Our decisions and choices certainly shape our destiny. But most of the times we forget that being humans our plans are not foolproof. Having the beleif that it is, is the start of long road filled with stress and on many occaisions path of failure. When things go wrong i have learned to losen my grip and allow life to take its own turn. Being rigid never helped me. But allowing life to take its own course has finally given me the results which i had set to acheive at the first place. Another gem of life. Some times its better to just sit back and realx. Time is a great healer. Trust yourself. Trust the destiny.

Few months back one of my collegue said i hardly seem to get angry or upset with anything. I did not dare to correct him. Infact i am very ammature at hiding my emotions. Anything thats in my heart is on my face. Again one of the lessons i learnt from life is to smile no matter what. There was a time when few people dared to actually correct me if i did anything wrong. It was due to my short temperdness. By being short temperd and hostile to others i lost lots of good advices. Now i welcome any comment,advice and critics with smile. They can just adivce. And its upto me to impliment and follow what i feel is right. Its upto me to filter things. Another advantage of being cheerful and romantic about life is i am at peace with myself after long. Lifes third lesson for me. Be cheerful, warm and receptive. We may not gain but we will certainly not lose.

I have always tried to challenge myself. On occaisions have challenged circumstances. I dont have any regrets with my past. Nor do i cribble about my mistakes. Because whenever i have realised that i had done a mistake, i have challenged myself to prove the world it was worth it. And how did i do that? Simply building my next success story and acheivement on the coffin of that mistake. I have been succesful in motivating and inspiring myself from the mistakes and hardships till now. And am looking forward for some more mistakes gleefully knowing they will form the foundation stones. Everybody does mistakes. Nobody is perfect. But when you build your success around that mistake not many dare to qustion you. Thats the way and attitude that life deserves.

My parents always asked us to be true to ourselves. I realised the power of that bit late. At the end of the day, knowing and being sure you have been true to yourself and your intents have been good is what matters. And thats the ultimate bliss one can have. I have always taken care not to hurt anybody intently. And i seldom talk harsh. We have to understand that everybody is acting as per his opinion and intents for given situation. When we realise this, we realise that the culprist is the situation. Not a individual. Enlightened soul reads the situations and a fool reads the individual. I had read it long back. Now i feel its really true.

I have had my fair share of failures. I am not bothered by it. Personally and professional i do have few bad memories. But they dont matter me anymore. They are like rotten potatoes. You can carry them with you for few days. Few months. Then they start stinking. Still if you dont throw them away they will attract all kinds of worms and bacterias which will slowly start affecting you. The one fine day you will find yourself crippled due the rotten potatoes. So its always better to throw out the potatoes from the past.

Now after reading the most boring of my musings you may ask how it is related with Aham Brahmasmi. Well here is the answer. Every human or for that matter living/non living organism has a soul as per the Vedas and hindu philosophy. And each one has to attain moksha to be get united with supreme soul.

I am not religious but the idea seems quite intresting and convincing. So if i want to be spiritually at the height where i can treat myself one with the ultimate soul i have to be one. If all are part of that soul then all are as pure and serene as it is.

And if you look at life, each person has his/her own definition and version of life. It is teaching each of lessons every day. And these lessons are to prepare us to have a blissful life. Life keeps on making us learn and unlearn lot of things.

My life depends on me. My choices decide my destiny. My behaviour decides my happyness. My opnions and thoughts decide my state of mind. So i am the controller of my life. So i am GOD UNTO MYSELF. AHAM BRAHMASMI.